Lamont's Rules of Jen

A set of guidelines for dealing with resplendent Jenitude on a day-to-day basis. (Gaps in the numbering were deliberate, to leave space for further rules)

#1- Jen is an exceptional person who is to be worshipped and adored at all times.
#2- Jen is always special.
#3- Jen is frequently up to something.
#4- Jen can usually get away with it.
#5- If your relationship with Jen fails, it's your fault.
#6- (The Jennocious Tenet of Remote Control Ownership) If Jen wants to watch a particular movie or TV show, she will. Even if it clashes with The Game. You may, however, purchase and fit new batteries in the remote.
#7- There is no rule 7.
#8- Jen isn't easily fooled. She has Her own reasons for letting you think you've pulled one over on Her, which will only become clear when it is advantageous for Her so to do.
#9- (The Srey Maxim) Jen does not like being kept waiting.
#10- If and when she so desires, Jen is to be cuddled and comforted without question or hesitation.
#11- Thou shalt not taunt Jen, lest ye be consigned to the fifth circle of hell-dating where the women are all named after department stores*.
*Though obviously not the formerly oldest independent department store in Scotland.
#12- Jen is always right, especially when she isn't.
#13- Jen does not procrastinate; she waits until the time is right.
#14- (The Goldfinch Guideline) Dating Jen is a commitment to a lifetime spent worshipping the wonder that is Her, even if you never see her again (see also #5).
#15- Jen will cross the road when and where she wants, which may be before or after everyone else.
#16- (The Jezzie Precept) For the duration of your relationship or acquaintance with Jen these Rules (and any personal supplements) will render null and void any or all of your own rules, at her discretion.
#17- (The Bruce Bye-law) If Jen is caught running a red light it was obviously faulty and flashed green as she approached.
#19- Jen can always read maps perfectly. You, however, can't follow her clear, precise directions, no matter how many milliseconds she gives you before screaming "Left! Left!" as you pass the turning.
#20- The last piece of candy, brownie, popcorn, soda, beer, slice of pizza, breadstick or spoonful of ice cream belongs to Jen.
#21- Jen always looks beautiful.
#22- Whatever Jen has to say is worth listening to.
#23- (The Powroz Principle) The subject changes when Jen says so.
#24- However Jen want to pronounce or spell her name is the correct way.
#25- Jen is a tidy eater. That piece of food on the restaurant floor fell off your fork. If it's something only Jen ordered, you must have picked at her plate while she wasn't looking...
#26- (Corollary to #20 and #25) Jen does not like people picking at her plate while she isn't looking.
#27- Jen should not be expected to work on her birthday.
#28- (The Stevens Sutra, addendum to rule #27) Jen's birthday is a holiday, and should be treated as such, even if it means taking the day off, calling in sick, or cancelling other plans to be with her.
#30- (The Dutra Doctrine) You can't beat Jen's score. If it seems that you have, the game is broken.
#31- Jen is exceedingly clever.
#31- Jen doesn't like seeing two rules with the same number.
#32- Jen always has the last word. Anything you might say after that is the start of a new discussion/argument.
#33- As soon as your relationship with Jen starts she has the right to borrow your clothes, especially comfy sweatshirts, sweaters and t-shirts, but (being kind and considerate) she'll probably let you keep your fifteen-year-old "lucky" underpants all to yourself...
#35- Jen always does things her way. Don't ask.
#36- Jen knows what information you need to know about Jen.
#37- Addendum to #36) There is always more to Jen than she is letting on.
#38- (Greg's Theory of Jeneral Relativity) If you are behind Jen, you are walking too slowly; if you are in front of Jen you are walking too fast.
#39- If and when Jen makes an appearance, consider it a gift.
#40- (incorporating the Bartram Ban) Only Jen decides if the temperature is right for opening the window or for the heating to be put on.
#41- Any poetry by Jen is good poetry.
#43- Withhold Jen's chocolate at your peril.
#47- (The Psaki Pstatement) Do not try to outwit Jen. You'll just embarrass yourself.
#50- Jen does not like having any sort of camera pointed at her without permission. Carefully consider rule #8 before attempting a rule #21 defence.
#51- (Corollary to #12 and #19) Jen always knows where she's going, even if nobody else does.
#52- Jen always knows what she's talking about, even if nobody else does.
#53- Jen does not like having to make decisions.
#54- (Addendum to #53) Jen's decisions (when made) and opinions are always valid (See also Rule #12).
#55- Withhold Jen's chocolate at your peril. (Yes, we know that's the same as Rule #43, but it's *VERY* important to remember this...)
#61- Jen is sometimes inclined to wisecracking or being a smartass. It's cute.

The Jencyclopaedia and Rules of Jen are copyright ©1996-present Simon Lamont. You are welcome to print out the Rules of Jen for personal, non-commercial use, or put them on your personal website, provided they are unedited and the copyright notice is retained. The URL for the Rules is